DoD to encourage beards


Interesting to say the least….

Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness

Tampa, FL– Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness.

….

“The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”

There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced.

“It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.”

But did we really need to spend all that money to determine the link between beards and good soldiering?

Major General John Schofield - General of the Army, MoH awardee

… just saying….

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8 Comments

Filed under army, ARMY TRAINING, Humor

8 responses to “DoD to encourage beards

  1. LT Rusty

    This is only about 10 days too late, Craig.

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  2. havlicekstoletheball

    HAH! “It’s a settled science”. Like Global Warming, and Phrenology!!!
    Will they force women to grow beards? Will they be scruffy ones like Ashton Kutcher, or a big thick bushy one like Rosie O’Donnel or the guy from “The Hangover”?

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    • Jeff Gauch

      I’ve been involved in some of the research in this topic. While we aren’t sure of the exact mechanism it appears that the facial hair traps and transports norrisium, a trace atmospheric constituent, to the follicle, where it it transformed into sampsonine, which improves muscle strength, endurance, pain tolerance, alertness, and hand-eye-coordination. Thus, it it only real beards that will be effective, and the effect will be directly proportional to the density of faicial hair. However, in consideration of good order and discipline as well as potential PSYOPs benefits commanders may consider prescribing prosthetics to those unable to grow facial hair to the required density.

      As an interesting aside, it seems that sampsonine can be formed by heating spinach to ~70C in an anaerobic aqueous solution of tin with traces of lead.

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  3. UltimaRatioRegis

    And WordPress does it again!!!!

    I hate them commie bastards!

    Like