Category Archives: Humor

A Timely Laugh or Two in Time for the World Cup

You all know how I feel about soccer.  It’s frigging communist.  And played by guys that fall down in agony if you invade their personal space.  Yeah, I know a goodly chunk of the rest of the world plays it.  But a goodly chunk of the rest of the world doesn’t use toilets, either.  It doesn’t make it a good idea.

Anyway, witness Jason Sudeikis, American football coach, hired by Tottenham of the English Premiere League.   Pretty well done.  But I am still not watching soccer on NBC.  It makes golf look like nonstop action.

BIG H/T to Delta Bravo!!!

About these ads

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Filed under Around the web, girls, Humor, Personal, stupid, Uncategorized

President Takes Decisive Action in Iraq

In a stunning reversal of his previous equivocation regarding US involvement in the worsening security situation in Iraq, President Obama stated that the US is prepared to act with strength and decisiveness to help defeat the ISIS radical jihadist forces that have engulfed several major cities and killed many thousands of Iraqis.

MIchelle hashtag iraq

There.  That’ll show ‘em.  Worked like a charm with Boko Haram in Nigeria, too.   They certainly have mended their ways.    Administration officials speculate that the Islamic Extremist fighters that have invaded Iraq have little chance of resisting the pressure of tweets and re-tweets that show support for the Iraqi people, and will be forced to withdraw.  On the outside chance that somehow ISIS can withstand such an onslaught of social media, the President is prepared to conjure his best “I’m not kidding” expression and talk about “consequences”, possibly even “dire consequences”.   No word yet on whether or not Secretary of State Kerry will scold ISIS for “behaving in a 7th Century fashion”.   New White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was quoted as saying, “The President is making the best of a situation left him by the previous Administration, which is responsible for declaring the war over and abandoning Iraq to its fate.  Wait, ….what?  That was us?  You sure?  No more questions!”

Gawd, we are so screwed.

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Filed under Afghanistan, Defense, girls, guns, history, Humor, Iran, iraq, islam, Libya, obama, Politics, stupid, Uncategorized, veterans, war, weapons

The Most Dangerous Job in America

Hillary-Clinton

No, not Bering Sea fisherman.  Not being a cop or fireman.  Cab driver?  Nosiree.  None of those.  Not even close, apparently.  The most dangerous job in America is being an associate of the Clintons.

During the diner scene in the comedy “Tin Men”, one of the characters refers to “Bonanza” patriarch Ben Cartwright as “the kiss of death” because he had three sons by three different mothers, all deceased.   Ol’ Ben has nothing on Bill and Hillary.  The below list does not include Ambassador Stevens and the others killed at Benghazi while serving in Hillary’s State Department, but is still quite remarkable actuarially:

1- James McDougal – Clintons convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation.
2 – Mary Mahoney – A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown .. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
3 – Vince Foster – Former White House councilor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.
4 – Ron Brown – Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors. The rest of the people on the plane also died. A few days later the air Traffic controller committed suicide.
5 – C. Victor Raiser, II – Raiser, a major player in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
6 – Paul Tulley – Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock , September 1992. Described by Clinton as a “dear friend and trusted advisor”.
7 – Ed Willey – Clinton fundraiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
8 – Jerry Parks – Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little Rock .. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock.  Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton.  He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.
9 – James Bunch – Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas
10 – James Wilson – Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater..
11 – Kathy Ferguson – Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead in May 1994, in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.
12 – Bill Shelton – Arkansas State Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his fiancee.
13 – Gandy Baugh – Attorney for Clinton’s friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.
14 – Florence Martin – Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal, Mena, Arkansas, airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot wounds.
15 – Suzanne Coleman – Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.
16 – Paula Grober – Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
17 – Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. Investigating MenaAirport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.
18 – Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at MenaAirport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993, in his WashingtonDC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.
19 – Jon Parnell Walker – Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guaranty scandal.
20 – Barbara Wise – Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.
21 – Charles Meissner – Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.
22 – Dr. Stanley Heard – Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton ‘s advisory council personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother.
23 – Barry Seal – Drug running TWA pilot out of Mena Arkansas, death was no accident.
24 – Johnny Lawhorn, Jr. – Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.
25 – Stanley Huggins – Investigated Madison Guaranty. His death was a purported suicide and his report was never released.
26 – Hershell Friday – Attorney and Clinton fundraiser died March 1, 1994, when his plane exploded.
27 – Kevin Ives & Don Henry – Known as “The boys on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling asleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.

THE FOLLOWING PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE:
28 – Keith Coney – Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, 7/88.
29 – Keith McMaskle – Died, stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988
30 – Gregory Collins – Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.
31 – Jeff Rhodes – He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.
32 – James Milan – Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to natural causes”.
33 – Jordan Kettleson – Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.
34 – Richard Winters – A suspect in the Ives/Henry deaths. He was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.

THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD
35 – Major William S. Barkley, Jr.
36 – Captain Scott J . Reynolds
37 – Sgt. Brian Hanley
38 – Sgt. Tim Sabel
39 – Major General William Robertson
40 – Col. William Densberger
41 – Col. Robert Kelly
42 – Spec. Gary Rhodes
43 – Steve Willis
44 – Robert Williams
45 – Conway LeBleu
46 – Todd McKeehan

Of course, I am certain there is an explanation for all of these people meeting an unfortunate and early demise.  After all, the above names have been circulating for a number of years.  In fact, calling the above anything other than a series of tragic coincidences has been labeled by some as “urban legend”.  Just the same, I would like to see the explanations for each and every one of them, and have someone in the risk business calculate the odds that such misfortune could befall 47 people in such a short time.

But I’m sure it’s nuthin’.   And anyway, at this point, what difference does it make?   I’m gonna go play golf.  I hope I can avoid any self-inflicted (or other) gunshot wounds, hangings, plane crashes, leaps from buildings, etc., that are apparently a lot more common than I would have thought….

H/T  Fran

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Filed under Around the web, girls, guns, history, Humor, Politics, Uncategorized

Shiver Away Those Extra Pounds!

The all-new “Sweatin’ to the Microbes!”

I know I need to lose a few, but didn’t think I would be doing it by lying in bed with the God-awful crud, shaking and sweating and coughing.

I know that John’s place (the Castle) is now a plague village, but so far I am the only victim up here.   I told Jackass Cat he was responsible, that the disease was brought in on the fleas of Cattus Cattus, but he challenges my understanding of that period of history.   Let’s hope we don’t lose two-thirds of the population.

Since I am self-employed, there is no such thing as a man-cold, because if I don’t work, I don’t get paid.  So I worked yesterday and here I am today.  Which could lead to the absolute optimal Obamacare actuarial result.  Me keeling over dead at my desk, whilst sitting there, not building that.

But, somehow, I doubt it is mortal.

PS:  Jackass Cat carries his own disease.  Yeradam Pestis.

8 Comments

Filed under history, Humor, Load Heat, marines, Personal, Uncategorized

A little comic relief

I thought this was worth sharing.
computer orders

I can just hear the shared printer in my building saying, “Don’t want to print! Invisible paper jam, error 15! Go away!”

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Filed under Humor, stupid

Duffel Blog: Gen. Amos Nervously Awaiting Results Of Career Board

Those guys nail it yet again.  Is it an indicator that Jim Mattis finds the Duffel Blog hysterical but Jim Amos hates it?

Career Designation, according to Marine Corps, is “a force-shaping tool” that ensures Marines retain the best company-grade officers by firing half of them. The program was established in 2011, making this Amos’ first Career Designation, having recently hit the requisite post-MOS waiting period. Amos graduated at the bottom of his class in Commandant’s School in 2010.

Brilliant, I tell you.  Brilliant.

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Filed under Around the web, Humor, marines, Uncategorized

Overheard at the Auto Parts Store

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One thing I can say about the Upper Valley.  There is more than a bit of “local color” here.  There is a distinctive and drolly humorous demeanor to some of the folks up here, even if they lack the full complement of teeth.   Think Red Green, with a Vermont accent.  While I was buying some windshield wipers today, and shooting the breeze with a former Marine at the counter, a heavy-set older fella strolled up to the counter next to me.   The other guy behind the counter walks over to help him, and the following conversation took place:

“Can I help ya?”

“Yessir, I come by to pick up a tranny core you said was in.”

“Oh yeah, I seen the note that said Dave Perry was gonna come fetch it.  It’s out in the bay.”

“Well, then, that one ain’t mine.”

“No?”

“Nope.  See, I ain’t Dave Perry.”

“Are ya sure?”

2 Comments

Filed under history, Humor, marines, Uncategorized, veterans

One of the True Greats is Gone: Sid Caesar dies at 91

caesar

Comedic great Sid Caesar passed away yesterday at the age of 91.  If you have never seen his comedy, you missed out on a brilliance that was truly dazzling.  A talented musician and gifted performer, Caesar mixed highly intellectual comedy with an incredible ability to pantomime, act, and draw laughter on virtually every subject he expounded upon.  He worked with the all-time comedic giants, including close friends Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Nannette Fabray, Steve Allen, Howie Morris, and just about anyone you can name from the early and classic days of live comedy television.  His Your Show of Shows was a 90 minute sketch comedy show that is as funny sixty years after its broadcast as it was when first aired.  His award-winning comedy sketch, which is a close-up of his face (and in which he does not utter a single word) as his wife (the beautiful Nannette Fabray) comes home from a shopping trip and explains the great bargains she has gotten on her dresses and minks, ends with a tear running down his cheek.  He was admired and emulated by virtually every comedic actor of note that followed him.

The Dick van Dyke Show, a situation comedy from the 1960s which starred Carl Reiner as the acerbic star of the fictitious Alan Brady Show, was based on Caesar’s talented group of comedy writers from Your Show of Shows, with Alan Brady loosely parodying Caesar’s own personality.

Caesar starred on Broadway and had dozens of movies to his credit, none more memorable than his starring role in Stanley Kramer’s 1963 comedy epic It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad. Mad World.   He was a Coast Guard Veteran of World War II, and the son of Jewish (Polish and Russian) immigrants, who got his performing start as a saxophonist in the Catskills.

He and his brand of intellectual humor will be missed.   So long, Melville Crump, DDS.

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Filed under Around the web, girls, history, Humor, Personal, Uncategorized, veterans, war

Anthony Weiner and wife search for cheaper Manhattan pad

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Times are hard for Anthony and Huma Weiner. Apparently their income has gone flaccid and they need to find a new place. We shouldn’t be too hard on them though, I’m sure they’ll pull it out.

Disregarding the “slippery when wet” signage, Anthony Weiner is still recovering from a fall he took on the steps of the old condo and because of that he’s been walking with a bit of a limp lately. We think Weiner will recover quickly though as it’s tough to keep him down. Rumors that the condo searched lasted all night are apparently not true.

Sources say that Weiner is earning between $300k and $400 per year which is a lot of bones for a political consultant. That’s caused some controversy amongst critics who expected him to pull out of politics. However others expect him to explode on the face of MSNBC, making occasional appearances.

In truth we are a little worried about Weiner as living in Manhattan condos means you’re going to blow a wad of cash…all at once. We do hope that he does have some financial stamina. Although given the current fiscal health of the country he may be faking it and may need to find another job to pump up his finances.

Oh Anthony Weiner you are the joke that keeps on giving.

That was for you Denise :)

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Filed under Humor

Pentagon Shocked By Wave Of ‘Knockout Game’ Attacks

From the Duffel Blog, via our friends at Op-For.

Admit it, you have fantasized about just such a game if you have spent any time at all with senior Officers or Staff NCOs who talk to you as if you would starve for your own imbecility were it not for their wisdom and constant micromanagement.   I mean, after 28 years commissioned service, my list is probably a page and a half long at this point.

According to Pentagon chief historian Dr. Erin Mahan, speaking from behind a locked door, knockout attacks can be traced back to the late nineties, when Marine generals Charles Krulak and Anthony Zinni used to greet each other by punching each other as hard as they could in the face.

Good satire has more than a whiff of reality.

 

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Filed under Air Force, army, Around the web, budget, Defense, Humor, marines, navy, Uncategorized, veterans, war

Magic Body Control of the Mercedes Benz

Move over Camel.  These are some true Funky Chickens.

Marketing genius.

H/T to LisaF

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Filed under Around the web, ducks, Humor, Uncategorized

Happy Birthday, Corporal Randolph Agarn

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Larry Storch, the veteran actor who portrayed the hapless Corporal Randolph Agarn on the classic (!) TV series F Troop, turns 91 today.   Born on January 8th, 1923 in New York, Storch dropped out of school during the Depression to work the comedy clubs to earn money.  While he did attend High School, at DeWitt Clinton, he was a schoolmate of Don Adams, of Get Smart fame.  (And a World War II Marine wounded on Guadalcanal.)

Like so many actors on the set of F Troop, Storch was a Veteran (along with Forrest Tucker, Joe Brooks, Henry Gibson, Ken Berry, and James Gregory), serving in the US Navy during World War II aboard USS Proteus.  One of his shipmates was none other than Tony Curtis.

F Troop only ran for two seasons, 1965-1967, but the cornball schtick and physical comedy made it a favorite.  I saw it in syndication beginning in the late 60s, and it always made me laugh.  My Dad thought it was “idiotic”, and perhaps it was.  But Fort Courage had everything (except sunshine, it seemed, on the sound stage), including a cannon with a wheel that fell off (and invariably shot down the guard tower), a blind lookout (Trooper Vanderbilt, Joe Brooks), a bugler who couldn’t play a note (Dobbs, James Hampton), a well-meaning but inept Captain (Berry), a smoking-hot frontier babe (Wrangler Jane, Melody Patterson), a grizzled Veteran (Duffy, played by old western star Bob Steele), and a scheming Sergeant making cash on the side (Sergeant O’Rourke, Forrest Tucker).   (It also had an opening theme that could stick in your head for WEEKS….)  The “opponents”, the not-so dangerous Heckawi Indians, were in on the black market business, with comedic caricatures of their own.

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Recurring regulars and guest stars included Henry Gibson, Harvey Korman, Edward Everett Horton, Paul Lynde, Lee Meriwether, and a host of others.   Some of the classic episodes include the antics of visitors to Fort Courage.  (Harvey Korman as Count Ferdinand von Zeppel.)  But my favorites were the boys of F Troop.  Especially Agarn.  He had the absolute coolest hat, and could make the best faces.

Larry Storch was in a number of television comedies and variety shows over his career, and was a talented impersonator.  He has film and stage credits that include The Great Race (with shipmate Tony Curtis), and was a frequent guest of Johnny Carson and  a semi-regular on Hollywood Squares.

Happy Birthday, Corporal Randolph Agarn of Pissaic, New Jersey.   I don’t know why everybody says you’re dumb!

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Filed under army, Artillery, guns, history, Humor, stupid, Uncategorized, veterans, war

Authentic Barbie Vs. Real GI Joe

You may have seen the latest bit of silliness about wanting Barbie dolls to better reflect reality, and cease their horrific crime of fat-shaming.

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A controversy is brewing over a request to remake Barbie in way contrary to the iconic image so many girls knew growing up.

Plus-Size-Modeling.com is suggesting Mattel create a plus-size Barbie. While some say more realistic curves would be a better role model for girls, others say an overly large Barbie would be an unhealthy example.

Always a stalwart supporter of equal opportunity, Craig suggested to me this morning that what we men really need is a GI Joe that more truly reflects some of the people we served alongside.

  • Intel Analyst G.I. Joe with glasses and a kick-butt World of Warcraft character.
  • Personnel Actions Clerk who loses paperwork. And “Profile” with hands formed best for 12 ounce curls.
  • Realistic Supply Sergeant that won’t issue toilet paper.
  • SPC Mafia that excel in shamming and Caspering, and Buffer Rodeo and getting arrested for minor in possession or disturbing the peace.
  • Chain smoking motor sergeant who refuses to issue repair parts, fearing depletion of PLL.
  • 77F fuel handler who loses the key to the lock on the gas pump.

What are some of your suggestions for a more realistic GI Joe?

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Filed under ARMY TRAINING, Humor

Paella

So, this week’s food thread at Ace’s place features the tasty Spanish mainstay paella.

Many, many moons ago, my Dear Sainted Mother made a wonderful dish of paella for a small dinner party. And it was wonderful. It tasted like pure joy. It was a very, very memorable evening.

http://img4-2.myrecipes.timeinc.net/i/recipes/ay/11/06/chicken-paella-ay-l.jpg

And because that evening was so memorable, just about every time I managed to come home on leave from the Army, Dear Sainted Mother would carefully, and lovingly recreate that dish with the rice so richly infused with that most expensive of spices, saffron. And as a Loving Son, I would dutifully eat every bit served to me.

See, there’s a reason that first service of paella was so memorable. It turns out of all the multitudes of foods in the world, the only thing I’m apparently allergic to is saffron. Within an hour of eating paella that first time, I was laid low by the most horrific pains and gastrointestinal unpleasantness.

Dear Sainted Mother’s memory somehow managed to remember that paella was significant, but failed to recall that “significant” does not always mean “good.”

And so, being the dutiful Loving Son, I would eat what was served, and again find myself tormented by that golden spice, saffron.

Eventually, I took to writing home to remind DSM that paella, lovely and tasty as it was, would eventually overcome my considerable constitution, and kill me dead. And that if she wanted to achieve that, there were less painful, less expensive alternatives.

Too bad. As it really does taste great.

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Filed under Humor, Personal

Golf in Wartime England

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5 Comments

by | December 27, 2013 · 5:26 am

A Lesson in Leadership

…from Dilbert, no less.

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I am all finished “not building that” for today.  Merriest of Christmases to all, and safe travels wherever you are headed.  God bless.

H/t DB!

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Filed under Around the web, Humor, recruiting, Uncategorized

Chicago Launches Pilot Program to Control Rats

Let’s face it, my state is a national joke. Even worse, my city is a national laughing stock. If I started a blog just detailing the shenanigans in the city, well, I’d have no time to save the world a nautical mile at a time or, for that matter, have a social life.

Also, I’d end up face face down in the Chicago River…but I digress…

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There are some bright spots but this isn’t one of them:

The city renown for its political corruption has launched a 10-week pilot program to help control the city’s rat population — the rodent kind.

To accomplish this, the infamously crooked Chicago streets and sanitation dispatches a rodent baiting crew to locations identified by service requests. The city also analyzes thousands of calls to predict complaints.

Yeah it’s funded through one of the fascist dictator commissar Bloomberg’s charities but still, this is another example of just how clueless the ruling class is in this city and now, through no small amount vote fraud, nationally.

So in that spirit, the funniest comment wins the internet. Have at it!

 

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Filed under Humor, Politics

Put ‘er There, Pal!

GTY_obama_raul_castro_jef_131210_16x9_992

When asked by ABC’s Jonathan Karl about President Obama shaking hands with the dictator of a brutally repressive Communist regime, the ironically-named White House Spokesman Josh Earnest gave what amounted to a rambling diatribe that never answered the question about whom Obama would NOT shake hands with.

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According to Earnest, it is inappropriate to compare the Obama-Castro handshake to Chamberlain and Hitler.  Because, well, pressing the flesh with a  brutal dictator shouldn’t be compared to , umm, pressing the flesh with a brutal dictator.

With this guy pinch-hitting for the Carney show, it is tough to tell if he is Joshing, or if he is Earnest.   But we do know the answer to Jonathan Karl’s question.  Who wouldn’t Obama shake hands with?  The world leaders at Maggie Thatcher’s funeral.  Because he didn’t bother to go.

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Filed under Around the web, history, Humor, obama, Politics, Uncategorized

The Banya in the Arctic Circle

One of the more interesting trips I ever had as part of my Russian Flight Escort assignment was a trip to Russia to escort an AN-12 from Tiksi AB, Russia to Eielson AFB, AK for a joint Arctic Search and Rescue exercise between the Russian and US Air Force’s.

Tiksi had the distinction of being the most Northern permanent Air Base in the world (it has since been closed). We were going there in January. I shiver just thinking about it 20 years later.

Due to the high visibility of this exercise, the Assistant US Air attaché (a Lt Col) from the embassy in Moscow would be coming along and was going to be staying with the Russians for the duration. I was just along for the flight into Alaska.

I met up with the Attaché in Moscow and the next day we hopped on an IL-18 (4 engine turboprop) that was the personal plane of the Russian 3 star for the flight from Moscow to Tiksi.

IL-18

IL-18.

The Lt Col AF Attaché was a great guy (ethnic Ukrainian) who spoke fluent Russian. Unfortunately for this assignment, he was not a good drinker.

I was up front in the passenger section and the Lt Col was in the rear of the aircraft in the VIP compartment with the Russian 3 star and all of his staff.

About three hours into the six-hour flight a Russian Colonel came up to me, shook my shoulder to wake me up and invite me back to the VIP section.

Turns out the vodka was flowing and the Lt Col was not doing so well. I took his place at the table with the 3 star and told jokes/stories when it was my turn.  I had to hold the Lt Col’s head as he puked in the lav on our approach into Tiksi.

Tiksi

IL-18 getting deiced at Tiksi AB. Sun is out, so it must be summer.

We landed and it was -40C. That’s where Celsius and Fahrenheit meet on the back side. This is were the Russian tradition of always taking off your gloves to shake hands really started to suck. I had my AF-issue extreme cold weather mittens on over flight gloves so of course every damn officer on base came out to welcome us to their frozen base. The good news is you really can’t feel the frostbite once the appendage is numb (this will come into play later in the story). It was also very dark. In January in the Arctic Circle it’s always dark. You get a bit of glow on the horizon for about an hour in the morning. That’s it, daylight complete.

We got the Lt Col to bed and then I had to fill in for him for the afternoon and evening. The 3-star’s valet picked me up from the VIP quarters and drove me to the ‘Banya’ on base. It’s basically a sauna/steamroom and it is a very old school Russian tradition.

Banya

The Banya, complete with Birch twigs. Sadly, no girls are involved in this story.

I walk in and the General is already there. He starts taking of his uniform. All of it. EVERYTHING.

So I do too. We’re soon sitting buck ass nekkid in the banya when his valet comes in with champagne.

Drinking champagne naked with a Russian 3 star. Well, at least it can’t get any weirder than that.

Wrong.

Next thing I know he starts hitting me in the back with birch twigs. It’s a Russian thing, meant to improve circulation, but I was not warned of this. After a minute or so he hands the twigs to me so I can reciprocate. I do. Sadly, that was not the gayest thing I did that night.

After our mutual flagellation session the valet brought in chilled vodka and strawberries. That was nice, and it was soon time to go. The General informed me that since this was my first time in a Russian Banya I needed to ‘complete the experience’.  This involved diving naked into the snowbank outside. Evidently it is healthy to ‘close up the pores’ after sweating so much. So I did it. At 1:00 am, -40C.

It also does a great job of ‘shrinking the penis into the mid-section’.

The next day we hopped on the AN-12 (C-130’ski) for our flight across Siberia to Fairbanks, AK. The trip over was relatively uneventful and thankfully no one got naked.

Next up will be some stories about a few of my trips with Yeltsin. Will try to do one a week until my temporary retirement is over and I go back to 737 school in January.

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Filed under Air Force, anthropology, history, Humor, planes, Politics, stupid

The One With The Monkey

In 1992 I was offered a special duty assignment at Air Force Special Activities Command (AFSAC). It was to serve as a Russian Flight Escort Officer for Operation CONSTANT SHOTGUN.

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At the time I was a young Captain (O-3) flying C-21’s (Lear 35A’s) out of Norton AFB, CA, and it was a bolt out of the blue. Granted, I was a Soviet Studies major (Russian language minor) from the Air Force Academy and drawing Russian language pay, but it still took me by surprise. I’d never heard of this program.

Mainly out of perversity (this was STRONGLY against the advice of the ‘airlift career manager’ at Air Force Personnel Command), I accepted the assignment and PCS’d to Washington, DC.

It turned out to be the craziest, weirdest ride of my career. It delayed my eventual exit from the AF a few years and probably cost me a few thousand seniority numbers by the time I eventually left active duty and joined the airlines, but it was a one of a kind experience.

The gist of the job is that Russian/former Soviet aircraft military and diplomatic aircraft were required to have an Air Force Pilot or Nav in the cockpit when flying in US airspace. Our role was mainly to ensure they flew their assigned routing (cleared by AF reps at the FAA and State Dept to avoid ‘sensitive’ areas).  The (then) classified part of the job was that we were actually Intel officers and trained to observe and report items of interest. That part of the job faded a bit as the Soviet Union broke up and, in reality, our main role evolved into being translators and flight safety advocates (many more stories on that in the future).

The standard practice for the escorts was to join the Russian crew at their last point of departure prior to entering the US and leave at the first landing out of the US. In this case I had to pick up an AN-24 leaving Tijuana and flying through the US to Vladivostok, Russia.

This mission was unusual because it was an Antonov factory aircraft and crew coming off a six-month ‘wet-lease’ to Peru.  Why they were flying under a diplomatic clearance, I never found out, but the AF rep in the FAA wanted me on board so off I went.

I met the crew in Tijuana and they looked ROUGH. I was used to flying with the very best of the Russian diplomatic (a special division of Aeroflot) and military crews. These guys looked, well, they looked like they’d spent six months in Peru.

All of the aircraft Russian aircraft I’d flown to this point were large transports, AN-124, TU-154, IL-62, IL-76, IL-86, etc. Normally I sit next to the radio operator or Nav in a Russian cockpit and they give me a headset so I can help out on the radios. In the case of the AN-24 that was not an option. It’s a small, two pilot cockpit. After introductions and helping them file the flight plan we walked out to the aircraft. The Captain pointed to the right seat and said, ‘Садитесь, пожалуйста’ (Sit down, please), so I sat down, strapped in and started figuring out where stuff was (flaps, gear, radios). I worked the comms, got the clearance, and off we went to Fresno, CA.

Once we got to cruising altitude I started hearing this horrible screeching and screaming from the back of the aircraft. I looked over at the Captain and he said, ‘Расслабьтесь, это всего лишь обезьяна.

I translated it to mean, ‘Relax, it is just the обезьяна’. What the hell was обезьяна? I was a DLI grad and conversationally fluent, but I was drawing a blank. Then the screeching started again. It clicked. I looked at the Captain and said, ‘Monkey?’.

‘Yes! It is just the Monkey!’

Holy crap! I threw off my shoulder harness and ran back to the cargo box where a monkey was literally going ape-shit. We’re talking throwing-feces-pissed-off. He was bouncing off the walls and the cargo pallets while the Russian mechanics were trying to catch him.

This was long before the Internet and the concept of ‘memes’ began, but I think I was the first to do the ‘double face palm’. Well, at least the first to do it at FL 190 in a Russian turbo prop.

My first thought was, ‘we’re all going to jail’. These guys had just smuggled some random monkey from Peru into the US. Hell, it was probably on some endangered species list. I was thinking about all of the people I needed to call once we landed in Fresno: State Department, Customs and Ag (already scheduled to meet us), FAA, Russian consulate in San Fran, and Animal control? The zoo? PETA?

What a shit sandwich! Then I decided…screw it, let’s try and brazen our way through.

I told the Russians: ‘when we land no one talks in English but me. If Customs and/or Ag ask you a question, look to me and I will translate the question and your answer. You guys have only two jobs: Make sure your paperwork and passports are ready as soon as we open the door and for fuck’s sake hide the damn monkey!’

I did the talking and they hid the monkey.

I flew with those guys for 3 more days as we hopped our way up the west coast, through Alaska and the Aleutian Islands to Vladivostok.

At Vladivostok I waved goodbye to the crew and to my new friend, the Monkey named Ivan. I doubt he survived the Russian winter, but he had one hell of a ride.

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Filed under Air Force, anthropology, Humor, planes, stupid

Some Holiday Cheer from The People’s Cube!

moskvich_lede
Because, well, they fight Weak Liberalism with Strong Communism.   Makes one want to jump in the Moskvich 408 and head to Chelyabinsk for a state-approved low-carbon emission Ural Mountain ski vacation and holiday celebration of government benevolence.  Take it away, Cube!
The Twelve Days of ObamaCare
(A non-sectarian holiday carol.)

On the first day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
A website that crashed constantly!

On the second day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the third day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the fourth day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the fifth day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Five cancelled policies!
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the sixth day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Six unneeded coverages,
Five cancelled policies,
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the seventh day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Seven scammers to hack me,
Six unneeded coverages,
Five cancelled policies,
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the eighth day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Eight phone reps dithering,
Seven scammers to hack me,
Six unneeded coverages,
Five cancelled policies,
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the ninth day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Nine journ0lists bloviating,
Eight phone reps dithering,
Seven scammers to hack me,
Six unneeded coverages,
Five cancelled policies,
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the tenth day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Ten dems a-dodging,
Nine journ0lists bloviating,
Eight phone reps dithering,
Seven scammers to hack me,
Six unneeded coverages,
Five cancelled policies,
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the eleventh day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Eleven million regulations,
Ten dem pols a-dodging,
Nine journ0lists a-bloviating,
Eight phone reps dithering,
Seven scammers to hack me,
Six unneeded coverages,
Five cancelled policies,
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

On the twelfth day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Twelve thousand excuses,
Eleven million regulations,
Ten dems a-dodging,
Nine journ0lists bloviating,
Eight phone reps dithering,
Seven scammers to hack me,
Six unneeded coverages,
Five cancelled policies,
Four times the deductible,
Three times the premium,
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!

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Filed under Around the web, Humor, obama, Politics, Uncategorized

A Must-See Film; The Duffel Blog Reviews “A Day Without A First Sergeant”

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Sounds like an Instant Classic. 

The rest of the film then explores the catastrophic consequences of life without the entire 8999 MOS. Most of the film is seen from the perspective of Lance Corporal Karl Powers, an 0351 Assaultman who is left in charge after all the corporals and sergeants disappear to chase down a group of UA Marines who can’t be sent to the brig because no one knows how to do the paperwork.

The movie ends in a post-apocalyptic orgy of burning barracks, alcohol abuse, and Grand Theft Auto, commonly-known in the Marine Corps as a “96.”

I am sure you can find it on DVD and Blu-Ray, so the Lance Coconuts on restriction can watch it when they finish cleaning the shitters for the fifth time.

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Filed under Around the web, Humor, marines, SIR!, Uncategorized, veterans, war

Now This Just Pisses Me Off!

America’s anger epidemic: why?

 NEW YORK (MYFOXNY) -Some are describing this as “America’s anger epidemic.” And there are a few reasons: uncertainty in the job market and the economy, working long hours — on average about one month more now than they did in the 1970s and with less vacation.So if it seems like Americans are angrier these days it’s because we are.What has you seeing red? Maybe it’s the traffic or the ups and downs of the stock market. For one guy seen on a viral video, he threw a tantrum over a city street trombone player. I guess he didn’t like the tune.And of course, there are the celebrity meltdowns, like Alec Baldwin’s epic fail last week when he blew up at Fox 5 reporter Linda Schmidt.Singer Chris Brown was also just ordered to spend three months in rehab after reading he threw a rock through his own mother’s car window.Dr. Sudeepta Varma, a psychiatrist, said it is not all a coincidence. Americans really are angrier now than they’ve ever been before.

A recent study from the USA Today found 60 percent of Americans report feeling angry or irritable. That is up from 50 percent when a similar poll was taken in 2011.

Well, a couple of things.

First, Alec Baldwin and Chris Brown just may fall into the subcategory of spoiled rotten, filthy rich, self-centered jackasses whom should get the beating they both have earned many times over.   Nothing cures the prima donna “all about me” attitude quicker than spitting out some teeth.

Second, you think people are angry NOW, wait until most of their lives are at the mercy and control of an incompetent, inefficient, completely indifferent, utterly impenetrable Federal government that has no incentive for cost control or customer satisfaction.    And they are without access to private enterprise for the same services.

The resulting coronary may not be covered by Obamacare.

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Filed under Around the web, Humor, obama, Politics, Uncategorized

Hell Hath No Fury…

Or so I’ve heard :)

Ok I admit, like most men, I’ve got first hand evidence of that (had to believe that I know). However, if you’re of the younger sort and don’t have a clue you might want to take it from Hizzoner:

A guy gets his feelings hurt and odds are the other guy will say, “Whoops sorry dude, didn’t mean it that way,” and they’ll shake hands and walk away.

With women they smile and shrug, right up until the moment where she’s standing over you with the dripping butcher’s knife as you struggle into consciousness and wonder what that cold feeling is, down there under the sheets.

Yeah.

That.

510px-CIA_svg

In COMPLETELY UNRELATED news:

When John Brennan sits down at his daily 8:30 a.m. senior staff meeting at CIA headquarters, America’s top spy sees something none of his predecessors ever saw.

On Brennan’s left is Avril Haines, deputy director of the CIA — and a woman. On his right, is Meroe Park, executive director of the agency — also a woman. In a third chair at the seventh-floor conference room table sits Director of Intelligence Fran Moore, the CIA’s chief analyst — yes, a woman.

In fact, on most days, says Moore, the majority of the two dozen people in the room are women. Aided by her longtime colleague Sue Gordon, the CIA’s director of support, Moore ticked off the titles of the agency’s new female elite – but not their names, some of which are classified.

and unsurprising to me they aren’t only pretty faces either:

Most importantly, CIA women have taken on critical roles, from leading the “targeting teams” that helped take down al Qaeda’s leader to serving as station chiefs in sensitive locations. Women now make up a third of the agency’s senior staff, triple the level of 20 years ago.

Aside from the managerial roles women have been involved in CIA operations for quite a while. It’s interesting history and I for one am glad they’re on our side :)

Oh and just in case you’re offended head on over to Old AF Sarge’s place for the Friday Fly-By. I heard he’s got a way with women :)

Maybe he’ll bail me out as he usually does…lol!

But seriously, thank you ladies for your service to the Nation, “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”

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Filed under history, Humor

World War I Reinterpreted

As a bar fight.

WW1

Belgium’s mother warned him about going into places like that, because “they’re nothing but trouble”.   And Italy will be back the next night with his beer muscles on, and pick a fight with Ethiopia, who promptly kicks him in the nuts….

H/T Boston Maggie

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Filed under history, Humor, war